The Grand Tour: Iowa

Our next stop in our Grand Tour of The Republic of Ansdale is, according to traditional United States History, only appears once every four years. Other than that it is invisible, part of a region filled with farms and bumpkins known as "flyover country".

We are talking about Iowa, the second state to secede from the Union and the lynch pin of the N.I.T. triad (that's Nevada, Iowa, Texas to y'all). Framed on the East and West by the Mississippi River and Missouri River respectively and North and South by the States of Minnesota and Missouri.

In the thinking of the military brass of the Republic, Iowa is a strategic coup. It gives The Republic access to two of the major river systems of the West. It provides the Republic with access to all the major railroads and opens the door to an invasion of the East instead of being forced into a defensive war, as was the south.

Iowa also contains one military prize, the Federal Arsenal on Rock Island. Though the arsenal lies on an island in the middle of the Mississippi River, a city by the same name lies in Illinois, and once the papers print Rock Island Attacked by Rebel Troops, who cares about facts. Fortunately Grant, being a military man, wouldn't go to war over an arsenal.

Since Iowa was a state before the Anderson Expedition, it didn't fall under his authority and was not included in any of the military districts created before the war. Washington failed to see its importance as well. It would be left to our next stop on our Grand Tour to arouse their concern, and by then, the momentum could not be stopped.

Character Interview: James Davis on Family

We conclude our interview with Republic of Ansdale Prime Minister James Davis. The tough questions are done, and we finish with family.

CG: Tell me about Katherine. First of all, is it spelled with a K or a C.
JD: With a C. To blend with American tradition she has been known to use both spellings. Catherine Anne Bradford was the teenage daughter of one of the British Embassy staff when we met at one of the numerous Washington balls in 1849. Tall, golden blond hair, blue eyes, feisty attitude, and that captivating British accent. When we married the following year I was twenty-four ans she was eighteen. I don't know how she's done it, but she still has the accent, though it has faded a little over the years.

CG: How has Catherine adjusted to life on the frontier?
JD: She loves it. When John showed up at my Georgetown townhouse she was the one who volunteered me for what she called "a Grand Adventure." That adventure has taken her from London to Washington, DC, and to Fort's Pierre and Ansdale. After seven years in the Dakota Territory I thought that was all, but the adventure has continued with Montana, Alaska and now Nevada.

CG: How about your taste for adventure.
JD: I like it now. Reno isn't Washington, but it is civilization compared to the frontier of Alaska. And, as Prime Minister, I direct the entire war effort, so I direct the action.

CG: How have your children fared?
JD: We have three children. James Andrew Davis III, my eldest. Yes, I was a "junior". James is 28 and has followed his fathers path, this time in the Republican War Department, though as a civilian clerk. Paul, the middle child, is 23, born in Dakota. I thought we were done, and after a while so did Catherine, but God had other plans. My baby girl, Ellen, was born in 1866. Catherine was 34 at the time and we were in Montana. Since there was now an infant in the family there was no way I was going to ask Catherine to move to Alaska.

CG: So Ellen is with you at Reno?
JD: No, Catherine is convinced that at least one member of the Davis clan must have a British accent, so she has been sent away to a private school in London. She is now 15 and has been in London for the past three years.

CG: Have there been any additions to the Davis clan yet?
JD: Not Yet. James became quite smitten with Captain Semmes when she was in Reno last.

CG: How does Catherine feel about it? I know your sister isn't too happy about Robert courting Captain Quantrill, though she was happy with Katherine marrying Major Morgan. The vote seems to be split as to her approval of Confederate relations.
JD: Catherine likes Rachel, so that helps. She did hope James would have found someone younger than him, to maximize the potential for grandchildren. Still, Rachel is a beautiful girl, and you can't take living in Hawaii out of the equation.

CG: Probably not. Still it makes for a difficult courtship when one party is in Nevada and the other party is in Hawaii.
JD: James has that problem solved. He has asked me to transfer him out of the War Department and into the Department of The Navy.

CG: Will you approve the transfer?
JD: It's not up to me alone. Captain Semmes is Minister of the Navy. I think it's safe to say she will approve of the transfer. I'm Prime Minister, and he's my son. My brother in law is Minister of War for a few more months at least. But there is Catherine to consider.

CG: I thought you said Catherine approved of Rachel?
JD: She does, but approving of a marriage and allowing her baby to move to Hawaii appear to be two different matters entirely. She would much prefer Captain Semmes to relocate to Reno.

CG: That doesn't make much sense, considering the major naval theater of war is the pacific.
JD: California would be an ideal choice, but it has only been two years since its secession, and the State is still being shelled by the United States Navy.

CG: I was hoping to keep this part of the interview on family, and yet how quickly we get back to military matters.
JD: Things get intertwined quickly in a time of war. Alaska was remote and secure, but disconnected from the main body of Republican troops. Reno is connected to all but Alaska and Hawaii by telegraph and railroad. However it is landlocked and California would provide better access to the Pacific. Since the United States Navy is constantly bombarding the California coast it is unsuitable as a Capitol. I will not make the Confederacy's mistake of moving the Capitol closer to Washington, DC. We will stay at Reno, and Captain Semmes will have an autonomous command at Pearl Harbor. We will make a Hawaii wedding work.

CG: Prime Minister Davis, I thank you for your time.

Character Interview: James Davis, Part Three

This has seemed to be a very involved interview. Of course things can get that way when you are interviewing the leader of the Free World. (What, you thought that was the President of the United States. Could have been, if the U.S. had remained united. The War of Western Independence dashed those hopes). When we last left off, the Anderson Expedition has finally reached Fort Pierre.

CG: Tell me about the Fort Pierre years?
JD: They were horrible. The fort was literally falling apart around us, and there was nothing that Captain White could do about, short of performing some sort of miracle. Even the Ansdale joked that General Anderson was cursed. Our military escort was quickly depleted. 50 of our Cavalry were sent to Pembina on the Canadian border and ten horses were given to the Ansdale to sign a treaty. Captain White started designing a new fort immediately.

CG: Tell me about the Ansdale?
JD: We thought they were Sioux when we encountered a hunting party soon after our arrival. We learned they were Ansdale, a separate nation. Red Thunder, their chief, was very generous, allowing us to live among them. Graywolf, Red Thunder's fourteen year old son, took an immediate interest in us and was constantly about the fort, watching us. General Anderson made him our first official scout.

CG: But you were still a First Lieutenant with a desk job.
JD: Yes, but, then the Civil War broke out, and strange enough for a post far away from the action, the war was very good for my career.

CG: How so?
JD: When the war broke out my brother in law launched a power grab which netted him control of virtually all the territory of the West. Since the War Department was busy pulling western troops and sending them south, they failed to notice that General Anderson was replacing them with caretaker forts loyal only to him. I got sent to Pembina for my first command. It lasted a year, and Catherine stayed at what was called Ansdale City. I also got my long awaited promotion. I skipped Captain and moved directly to Major.

CG: What happened after a year?
JD: General Anderson established the Third Military District on the Milk River in Montana Territory. As soon as the garrison, named Fort Atsina after the native tribe we treated with, was established, I sent for Catherine and the children. We were there five years and then I was sent to Alaska.

CG: Fort Sitka?
JD: Correct. Catherine went back to Ansdale City for about two years while Fort Sitka got up to speed. We were originally supposed to operate covertly, and that meant no families. That changed after the incident.

CG: That was the matter between Jefferson Columbus Davis and Colchecka.
JD: And it quickly escalated from an insult to a war between the United States and three Inuit nations. It almost became a massacre on both sides. I am still amazed that it was averted. And it could have been easily averted.

CG: How so?
JD: The Ansdale are an Inuit Nation, and they, and the others, have a custom that an injured party receive a gift in payment for an insult or loss.

CG: Blackmail?
JD: Perhaps, but any payment would have been easily met by the United States. Trinkets or War. General Davis chose the latter. I have asked my sister repeatedly and she assures me that nobody as stupid as him is related to our part of the Davis clan. Soon after the incident Fort Sitka became the headquarters of the Ninth Military District. I still officially command it, though Major Graywolf is acting commander, and I lead the Republic from Reno. Catherine and I maintain a home in both locations.

(I will end it here. This part may be shorter, but I want to keep the Family side separate. Our concluding post is next time.)

Character Interview: James Davis, The Soldiers Life

CG: Since you brought up General Anderson, I think this would be a good time to talk about your life. Tell my readers how you got to where you are.
JD: I was born to a slaveholding family from Mobile, Alabama on August 2, 1826. That makes me fifty-four year old.

CG: And that would make your sister fifty-one.
JD: Just don't tell anyone that I said it. Hell hath no fury like that of a woman whose age has been revealed.

CG: Were you born at Sauf Asir.
JD: No. My parents were visiting Washington, DC when I was born. If I were superstitious I would say that is why I'm a politician now.

CG: Did you always want to be a soldier?
JD: No. I just didn't want to be a planter. My father got me an appointment to West Point. I graduated in 1846 and was immediately sent to Mexico as a young 2nd Lieutenant in the infantry. I was under the command of Zachary Taylor. It was while in Mexico that I met a Cavalier First Lieutenant of Artillery from Kentucky by the name of John Lee Anderson.

CG: So Mexico was your chance to "See The Elephant".
JD: Mexico was a fun war

CG: Because you won?
JD: That is always fun. No, it was how we won. In most of our engagements we were heavily outnumbered and had to capture the high ground. Yet we still won overwhelming victories.

CG: Better aim?
JD: Maybe. If I were more devout I would say that we had God on our side. Either way, all the land we acquired in that war is now in The Republic. When the war ended, I invited John to spend some time at Sauf Asir. It was there that he met my sister for the first time. She was eighteen.

CG: Susan says that she was married at eighteen. It must have been a whirlwind courtship.
JD: She would turn nineteen about six weeks after her wedding. The courtship was helped by the fact that Brevet Colonel Anderson was stationed at Fort Morgan.

CG: That's convenient.
JD: Almost as convenient as my first assignment being in the War Department. I am convinced that my cousin Jefferson Davis had something to do with both our assignments. My parents didn't have that much influence.

CG: How was life in Washington?
JD: It was a whirlwind of social activity. Dinners, parties and dignitaries. I was bored out of my mind

CG: How so?
JD: It's not the kind of excitement that a young soldier seeks. Mexico had whetted my appetite for combat.

CG: So you hated life in Washington?
JD: At first. I spent nearly seven years at the War Department behind a desk. Maybe it's a relief for a soldier posted at some isolated fort that was fated never to get any action.

CG: Like Sumter and Leavenworth.
JD: Point taken. The Confederate attack on Sumter and the Republic's attack on Leavenworth both had this in common, they were the first major battle at the garrison. My time in Washington had one benefit, though.

CG: What is that?
JD: It's where I met Katherine Ann Bradford, who after a short courtship became my wife.

CG: We will come to Katherine and your family shortly. What ended your life at the War Department?
JD: Family, in a way. My Sister, while courting John, made it clear that she didn't want to be travelling all over the nation. She wanted security. So she convinced John to resign his commission and they began life as civilians in a place neither had any ties to. Trenton, New Jersey. I didn't get to see my sister and her family much. And then family life intruded on my life in the War Department.

CG: How So?
JD: My cousin, Jefferson Davis, became Secretary of War. We were able to meet quite frequently and I told him about life in our part of the Davis clan. One day during the Winter of 1855 my brother in law shows up at my house. He's back in military uniform but this time it's as Brigadier-General, not the Captain brevet Colonel I knew. President Pierce has ordered him to take a civilian homesteading expedition to the upper parts of the Nebraska Territory. Since I was in the War Department, he wanted my advice as to who to pick.

CG: Who did you pick?
JD: First, let me say, never let the War Department lead a civilian expedition. To the soldier, civilian means wife and children. I don't think we had one true civilian family in the group.

• John, Susan, Thomas Walter and Robert Lee Anderson
• Colonel Kenneth Mark Bassett of Maine, Single, Captain at the time, courting Kimberly Ann Chase of Boston at the time.
• Kenneth Lee Dawes of Virginia, stationed in Texas at the time with his wife Maureen, a Texan, and their young son Robert. Promoted to Captain on his arrival.
• First Lieutenant Gary White of Boston, Corps of Engineers, stationed at Fort Warren. Single, though courting Laurie Ann Jacobson of Sandwich.
• Major Thomas Garfield of Illinois, commander of Fort Ridgely in Minnesota. Wife Michelle and four children.
• Colonel Willard McDowell, born in Scotland, lately of Florida. Commander of Fort Jefferson in the Caribbean. A Career soldier, single.
• Pierre Renault, Colonel, Canadian army, wife Patricia, formerly of Montreal.
• Catherine, myself, and the first of our three children.
• We were also given one hundred cavalry.

We arrived at Fort Pierre and realized that what we really needed was engineers, and First Lieutenant White was it. We were forced to improvise winter barracks. I remained John's aide-de-camp for seven years, which Susan loved, because she had her brother on hand to help raise a family of four children.

(I have been deciding whether to make this 3 or 4 parts, I'm leaning to 4. We'll continue with the arrival at Fort Pierre next time.

Character Interview: James Davis

Today's interview will also be the first of at least three parts. I still don't know how long things will take. This interview is with James Davis, the Prime Minister of The Republic of Ansdale, and you just can't snag a juicier interview. Like an interview with the President of The United States, you want to cover as much ground as you can. I still haven't decided if this is another military or a government interview. Things sort of overlap in the Republic of Ansdale. Far from a military dictatorship, the overlap allows each group to serve as a check and balance to the other, allowing the Constitution the Supreme Role.

CG: I never knew Americans were into all that King and Country stuff. Prime Minister.

JD: We came up with the idea as soon as we rebelled. It just sounded more important than President. I am no more powerful, though.

CG: Alaska is cut off from the rest of the Republic. How has that affected the war effort.

JD: It hasn't. As soon as the war began we established a War Capital at Reno, also called Republican Capital South. Reno is linked with the mainland republic via Telegraph and Railway. Second Minister Graywolf commands the Alaska front.

CG: Tell me about the Pacific Alliance.

JD: The Pacific Alliance is the baby of Captain Rachel Semmes, so to speak. She's on station at Kamehameha Naval Base at Pearl Harbor in Hawaii. You should talk to her about it.

(Oh the hardships we journalists must go through to get a story. Hawaii. I don't know if I'm up to the task.  Hey, Quiet down in the peanut gallery - Who knew there would be so many volunteers?)

CG: I will attempt to schedule an interview with Captain Semmes. Meanwhile, mister Prime Minister, what can you add on the Pacific Alliance.

JD: To hear Captain Semmes tell it, The Pacific Alliance was born when King Kalakuau wanted assurances that the Republic was not simply a band of Pirates before signing a treaty with us. She left Hawaii with the purpose of creating a loose alliance of nations in the Pacific which would give the United States Navy pause before attacking us. The First to sign up was New Zealand and then Tahiti. Not really naval powerhouses, but it was enough to convince Kink Kalakuau to sign a treaty. The United States of Colombia was next, and it was their addition that got the United States interest because of their interest in the isthmus of Darien (That's Panama, folks) for use as a Shipping Canal. Canada joined last year. That surprised me, considering we took British Columbia and the Yukon from them as part of the war.

CG: What is the Republic's issue with Canada?
JD: Nothing. Negotiations with Canada allowing free travel of Republican troops through those two provinces to Alaska had broken down. We needed the access, so we invaded.

CG: I would've thought that would have brought Great Britain into the war on the U.S. Side.
JD: It didn't. Perhaps Canada realized we were right. Joining the Pacific Alliance makes it seem so.

CG: The war is now entering its sixth year, and it seems no closer to resolution then when it commenced. How do you judge its success.
JD: For a war which has gone on longer than the War for Southern Independence, it may seem strange for me to say that it is going better than we had ever dreamed. Considering the population imbalance, Washington could have ended the war quickly by coming in force, but they feared being drawn in and ambushed, and so have not risked a full engagement. I do not anticipate any Gettysburg's in this war.

CG: The United States may not be willing to risk a full engagement with Republican Troops, but there have been plenty of engagements.

JD: The Federals have made their strategy to conduct a proxy war against the native tribes. It is a war of extermination. There is no reason for it except they know of the mutual defense pacts signed by General Anderson.

(I'm making this part one, folks. We will take a turn in the interview in our next part. Until then Happy Presidents Day.)

Character Interview: Susan Anderson, Part Two

Welcome Back to our interview with Susan Anderson, the matriarch of the Republic of Ansdale. If you missed part one, click on the link. When we left off our interview, Susan was beginning to tell about her daughter Katherine joining the war effort as a soldier.

CG: You bring up Lieutenant Commander Semmes. Can I infer that you think women should be warriors like your husband?

SA: Women don't belong in the Army. Or the Navy. I know John and James have decided to let women serve because we've got a bigger population deficit than the south did, but I still don't like it. Women should rule the home. That's why one of the first things I did after the last war was to send Katherine off to Mobile Bay School For Girls. To learn to be a lady.

CG: It didn't work?

SA: I should have known better. I did know. I knew it when she first picked up a pistol when she was five. She wanted to be just like her brothers, even though the blast knocked her down. She didn't cry. She wanted to try again, and again, until she mastered it. So while I was disappointed when she told my husband that she wanted to be a soldier, I wasn't surprised. John got her stationed to Fort Shoshone in Wyoming as part of the Territorial Police, which is sort of like a police officer. Then the war erupted and the Territorial Police became Cavalry and she also became a sniper. She was also one of the founding members of the Emerald Guard, which is also tasked with protecting our government officials, including Prime Minister Davis.
CG: Your brother.

SA: Yes. Katherine seems to seek out the most dangerous assignments. A mother wants to protect all her children, so I saw to it that she got her first command with the founding of Fort Republic in Southwest Alaska. One of the reasons J.D. is going to Fort Bannock is because "he doesn't want to be bossed around by his sister."

CG: But you did get half of what you wanted. She did recently get married.

SA: Yes, to Major Morgan of Fort Shoshone. So she is an army wife as well. Though the couple is hardly together. Major Morgan is soon to replace my husband at Reno as Minister of War. It was a grand wedding which would be the envy of every Southern Belle. The distance is not conducive to grandchildren. That may change. Katherine is asking to go back to the Emerald Guard. Perhaps I can get her assigned to Reno.
CG: A related question. What is the status of Sauf Asir?

SA: Sauf Asir is an active plantation. All workers are hired. At twice the freedman's bureau rate, I should add. I inherited the plantation. James wanted nothing to do with it. I think Katherine wants to inherit it from me. That gives me joy. Uncle Ezra manages the estate, and has defended it proudly against United States troops since war broke out. He actually almost shot Katherine during one of her missions east. Another reason I wish she wasn't a soldier. Perhaps Major Morgan will settle her down.

CG: Perhaps. I hear there may be another wedding in the Anderson family. I hear rumors that your son Robert and Captain Quantrill are courting.

SA: They are. Young lovers never realize how obvious their actions are to others. I want Robert to be happy, but he could have done much better.

CG: I take it you don't approve?

SA: Her father was a cold blooded murderer and her mother a saloon girl. They weren't even married at the time of her birth.

CG: There was nothing she could do about any of that

SA: She is a gambler, frequents saloons, and dresses like one of General Hooker's camp followers. Like most gamblers she is probably a cheat.

CG: I have interviewed Captain Quantrill previously. She appears to be a good Christian girl who reads the Bible every day.

SA: Even Satan masquerades as an angel of light. She taught Robert to play poker. Even if she is an honest girl, it is tradition that the bride's family pays for the wedding.

CG: And since Captain Quantrill is an orphan, there's no family.

SA: Captain Quantrill will gain much more from the marriage than Robert.

CG: Pardon me for saying this, Mrs. Anderson, but while your family may have been Southern Royalty, there doesn't seem to be any High Society here in the West.

SA: He could have done much better.

CG: Mrs. Anderson, thank you for this interview. I will not ask you another question, but I hope you will permit me a final comment. You have raised four children who have risen to the highest ranks of prominence in a new nation. That takes character. I believe despite surface appearances Captain Quantrill is a woman of excellent character because of the fact that Robert is in love with her. He learned to judge character from you.

And that concludes my interview with Susan Anderson. Not much left to cover here. Thank you, Mrs. Anderson, for being a talker. Not sure who will be next, but stay tuned.

Character Interview: Susan Anderson

(While doing this interview, I was unprepared for the information volunteered by Mrs. Anderson. The military interviews have been pretty sparse with volunteered information. Because of that, I have decided to split this interview into two. We will start with the Army Wife side and her family history, and we shall continue in the next post with her children.)

I've finally tracked down a civilian to interview. With a major Sort of. I guess an army wife still qualifies as a civilian. The Civilian in question is Susan Anderson, wife of General John Lee Anderson. She looks to be about 50, originally a brunette, but now mostly gray.

CG: Tell us about your life before you became an Army Wife.

SA: Army wife, it makes it sound so official. I like it. I was born in the deep south. Mobile, Alabama to be precise. I was born Susan Ruth Davis at Sauf Asir, the Davis family plantation.

CG: All you left out is your age.

SA: It's impolite to ask a lady about her age. I will say that I am four years younger than my brother James and ten years younger than my husband.

CG: From what you've told me already I can infer that you are old enough to have been raised among slaves.

SA: Both my husband and I are from slave owning families. I'm the youngest of four siblings and the only girl. At our families greatest we had six slaves. By the time I married John when I was eighteen there was only Uncle Ezra. John was fresh out of the Mexican War, a Major, and stationed at Fort Morgan at the time. Soon after our wedding he resigned from the army and we moved to Trenton, New Jersey. I was a young mother of two boys when my cousin Jefferson, who was Secretary of War, informed my husband that he was being sent to the northern parts of the Nebraska Territory. He was re-commissioned into the army with a rank of Brigadier-General.

CG: At least the bump in pay was appreciated.

SA: Not that I could appreciate it. Fort Pierre, which the army renamed Fort Bennett, but which we settlers still called Fort Pierre, was sold by John Jacob Astor of the American Fur Company. If A trading post couldn't survive, money was useless. I probably shouldn't say this, but I think I know how Astor made his money. By selling useless forts to the Army. It was a wreck from the day we moved in until we burned it to the ground and moved into Fort Ansdale. I thought we had arrived in Hades itself when we arrived. And then we met the savages.

CG: The Ansdales?

SA: Yes

CG: I take it from your answers that you are a Democrat?

SA: Women can't vote in the United States, but yes, my family was Democrat. It is the natural home of the slave owner. And yes, I know we can vote in the Republic, but I haven't so far. My husband is a founder of the New Republic Party, so I guess I am too if I chose to vote.

CG: Back to the Ansdales.

SA: I did see them as savages when I met them. Savages that lived in houses, but still savages. Now Red Thunder and his tribe are our closest allies. Red Thunder is also godfather to the twins J.D. and Katherine.

CG: J.D., that's....

SA: Jefferson Davis Anderson. One of his brothers is Robert Lee Anderson, affectionately called Bobby Lee. I guess I'm the rebel, even though they call John one.

CG: That's four children, and all of them are in the military.

SA: Along with her age, never ask a lady about her failures.

CG:  You didn't want your children to be soldiers?

SA: I had no objection to my sons joining the military. I did insist on them being officers. You have no idea how difficult it can be for someone from the territories to get into west point. Thomas and Robert both graduated from there, but J.D. resigned a year before he would have graduated because war broke out. I have managed to keep my boys out of harms way, however. J.D. is finishing an assignment as Warden of Fort Baranov Military Prison in Southwest Alaska and is about to begin an assignment as Commander of Fort Bannock, because Colonel Renault wants to have a field command before the war ends. Thomas has been at Fort Sitka from before the war, and Robert has been at Fort Bannock as a Ranger. War is a mans job. John is a warrior, it is only natural that our sons should be.
CG: As a Southerner by birth, did you influence your husbands decision to Keep Fort Ansdale out of the previous war?

SA: Not at all. John felt, as did I, that the war was unnecessary, and that he owed it to the people of the territories to maintain an army presence. Washington was busy emptying western garrisons of their troops to send them South. While the orders to do so never reached Fort Ansdale, I think they would have been the only orders my husband ever would have disobeyed.

CG: So then your sympathies were with the South.

SA: No, though we have tapped former Confederates and their families for service in the Republic. Sauf Asir also served as a waystation for escaped Union Prisoners, as well as Confederates wishing to escape capture. We played both sides.

CG: You say you have Confederates in your army.

SA: The best known is Lieutenant Commander Hunter, commanding officer at Fort Bering Naval Yard. He was a blockade runner, escaped prisoner of war, and passed into the territories through Sauf Asir. And then there is Rachel Semmes, niece of Raphael Semmes of the CSS Alabama. She commanded one of our first Naval Vessels in the war and is currently Minister of the Navy, commanding From Hawaii. She is also creator of the Pacific Alliance and temporary ambassador to the court of King Kalakaua.

I think this is as good a place to end it, and I think it gives me a jumping off place to discuss the concept of Women in the Military. Should be fun.

How Not To Make A Movie

I recently purchased a Blu Ray player and have been making use of it by renting a lot of movies, though in a move endorsed by +Andrejia Brunett-Libecap, one of my Triberr buddies, I am using the library. Good thing this time around, as this one would have been a complete waste of money as well as time. This way it was only the latter. Not as much time as it could have been, as it is the first movie I watched on Fast Forward.

I guess it should have been a tip off when the movie was marketed as a comedy. I mean, yes, so was the Batman series with Adam West, but at least it was played semi-straight.
As a child I had a LP of the Green Hornet radio drama, and to me, Black Beauty could whip the Batmobile anyday. Plus except for the mask, Green Hornet fought crime in a suit and hat and never broke a wrinkle. Cool and Suave.

And then Hollywood came along and wrecked things. Actually they're pretty good at that these days (The A-Team Movie and Battleship come to mind pretty quick). Seth Rogan and Jay Chou are no Van Williams and Bruce Lee, that's for sure. Britt Reid/Green Hornet came off as an incompetent J***A** among other things, and though you couldn't get more cookie cutter or stupid a villain than bloodnofsky or whatever he wanted to be called, it made you think that the Batman Villains of the 60's (yes even King Tut) were Masterpiece Theatre quality. To put it simply, this is the first action superhero movie I was hoping they would off the hero. I guess the first thing you need to remember is never nake a hero movie where you hate the hero.

Then there is the "love interest" being Cameron Diaz. Sorry Hollywood, she's not A-list material anymore. Well, I guess that made her perfect for this movie then. It's not so much that I'm opposed to love interests, it's just if you're going to put it in the film, at least make it an issue. Here, except for a few jokes, it was a wasted role.

In closing, I'll give you a chance to make your own decision. Her's the Bruce Lee version

And Here's the Jay Chou version.

An anti-hero movie. Root for the villain. If you like it rent It. But get it free from the library.